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Posted on November 07, 2009 @ 10:46 pm
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its been two years and a few months since the last time i even logged into LJ... and i still remembered my credentials! its amazing what the mind keeps in memory.
so i know that nobody is reading my live journal entries because after 2 and a half years i wouldnt expect anyone to check up on it. this is more for me anyways. i wanna document my life just in case i forget the years that seemingly passed by at warp speed. so im in my 5th year at stony brook (and not my last) and i hate it there. i know that my degree won't help me achieve what i want to do in the long run. its merely going to be a piece of paper that proves i went to school. i'm an aspiring virtual infrastructure architect and theres no way a degree in information systems is gonna help me achieve that. oh, and if that falls through im most likely going to open an internet cafe/gaming center.
i dont work at home depot anymore (woohoo!) but unfortunately im still going through the legal process of dismissing my charge of petty larceny from them. oh yeah, i was arrested because i stole a gift card (more like found on the floor) which had $51.03 and "used it for my own good". its funny how a little wording makes me sound like a selfish criminal. anyways because of that, i got fired on the spot since it was considered stealing company property AND stealing from the customer. by the way, if you issue a gift card to someone that card DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU ANYMORE. thats like me giving you a 20 dollar bill and saying "dont spend it because its mine". if you drop the 20 on the ground and i pick it up, its mine. with cash its legal, but with a piece of plastic apparently its a crime punishable by community service, a civil service penalty, 4 court dates, and a shoplifting program. overall that little 51 dollar card cost me 500 dollars in fees and a job. id been looking for a job since july 2nd and only got a job a week ago. i now work at gamestop where im getting 4 dollars less than i wouldve been making at home depot. fortunately there is another job opportunity building up for me behind the scenes, but im not going to get excited about that until i see it happen...
in other news the clitaurus is out of commission for good. the transmission is busted and will cost me about 1600 dollars to fix.. which is probably more than what the car is worth. i figured its fixable, but since id be spending that much on a car, it might as well be one that is not gonna break in 2 weeks. so now i walk and ride my bike everywhere. its not so bad, except for when i have to go places like hempstead for my last court date on the 18th. its getting me back into shape since i did nothing but sit at home, sit at school, and sit in my car to go sit somewhere else. its nice and relaxing too because i dont have to worry about the abundance of assfaces on the road wherever i go.
and last but not least, im happy to report that me and lauren are still together and going strong =). its been 2 years and 10 months (on nov 22)! we've been through so much together that it almost seems unimaginable to go through the hardships we go through without each other. between the two of us, we've experienced enough struggles to last a lifetime. she's always there to pick me up when im down for the count. she's a great motivator for me and she is always there to give me an ass whippin when i deserve one hahaha. im praying for the day i can move out of my house and live in my own place. she'd be the first person i call. and that would be to ask her to move in with me haha. anyways ive had enough of writing. i have a 10 page paper i should be writing right now but... well i hate stony brook, thats what. i think ill wait a few more years to write another update. im curious to see where ill be at that point :)
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Posted on June 27, 2007 @ 9:59 am
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2007 has been quite an amazing year for me so far. now that its half over, im pretty sure that this is gonna be one of the best years of my life. things were very rough for me in the past which makes this year seem sooo much better than the last few. sure things were a lil sucky from time to time but overall i was pretty happy! the happiest ive been in years in fact. i was promoted from cashier to line manager at my job in home depot and i got a $2.75 raise because of it! even though im makin a lot more money, im still not saving a dime haha. yesterday i went to splish splash and a huge car show out east with my girlfriend and a few other friends and that ROCKED! i only wish i could have more time with just me and lauren tho, but because of working full time and hangin with people every other night, its almost impossible to have more than a few hours a week with her. we make the most of our time together tho when we arent tired or sick sitting in my car haha. hopefully we can get alot more free time with just me and her before school starts. ugh, time to go to work. full time status sucks... except for when i go get my paycheck. then its awesome!
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Posted on April 04, 2007 @ 7:21 pm
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its been a while since my last update. too bad its not as happy as i want it to be. im stuck in a house where my parents dont greet me when they come home from work, and i have a ridiculous curfew that inconveniences my friends while we are hanging out. im sick of it. im nearly 20 years old and it almost seems like my little sister has more privileges than me. the only explanation i get from them is "i cant go to sleep if youre not home" or "i want to see you every day when i get home from work". how fuckin selfish can they be? not once have i come home drunk, drugged up, or beaten up. i havent given them a single excuse to be as strict as they are with me all the time. all i want is to see my girlfriend. thats all. is it too much to ask for my goddamn spring break to hang out with my friends for more than 3 consecutive days? i just wish i could give them a piece of my mind, but its hard to do when nobody wants to listen to you or when nobody is there to back you up. it almost makes me feel enraged to the point where id be satisfied if they didnt exist anymore. i want to be my own person, to be responsible for my own actions, and to be with the ones i really love. its painful when u know all your friends are hanging out one night and you cant go simply because you came home an hour later than u were supposed to. not to mention nobody talks to you while ur imprisoned in ur own house as well.
even more upsetting is that i get angry out of my house too. i dont mean to get quiet all the time or to take out any anger on anyone other than my "loving parents". im a good kid, and its a shame that everybody knows that except for the two people that should know that. i just need someone to get through to them and tell them that theyre being stupid, irrational, and unfair to me, because its not fair that they expect so much from me and give so little in return.
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Posted on January 19, 2007 @ 10:54 pm
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its the end of the break already? wow how time flies..
its nearly the start of the next semester and im getting excited. not because its school and i love learning, but because ive decided that i want to give computer science a second chance! i admit i havent really given it a shot, but now its time to kick it into overdrive if i have ANY hopes of catching up to where im supposed to be. ive been too lazy and i regret not giving it my best the last 3 semesters. time to get my game face on. also, ill be carpooling yet again! i cant wait for the silly drives to and from school with those two girls. add some ihop every couple of weeks and ive got myself one freakin awesome semester coming up!!!
...i keep running out of important and intelligent things to say so thats a wrap!
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Posted on January 17, 2007 @ 9:12 am
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so... im an asshole. i hurt a wonderful person. the one person i didnt ever want to hurt. its an awful feeling being dumped, but its the worst feeling in the world to be the person dumping someone. especially if the other person doesnt deserve it. ive been so confused with what i want that ive made several wrong choices. i dont want to keep making wrong choices like this if theyre going to affect other people. id rather suffer the consequences on my own. besides, im already in a bind because im using so much energy trying to make things right inside my house and out. its leaving me empty and tired all the time. it wouldve been murder if i continued to add more things to my list that i need to devote my time, energy and attention to.
and like one of my best friends put it, i always put myself last. thats not good. i need to start thinking about myself. its just very very shitty of me to decide to do that now. im hoping that this time, i could be the one thats forgiven.
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Posted on January 17, 2007 @ 12:18 am
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ive been wanting to post an entry for the longest time, but i never did because i simply dont know what to write. and now... i still dont! im trying something new called freestyle writing. at least thats what i think its called. im just going to write whatever comes into my head, starting now.
the motivational force behind people's actions is one thing. happiness. you make choices depending on whether they make you happy or not. at least, normal people do. if you think about it, every single choice you've had to make in your life was made because you believed that it would ultimately result in you being happier. for some people, they have to look farther into their futures to know whether the choice they make at the moment is gonna be the one they want. and like the normal human beings we are, we make wrong choices from time to time. i find "false happiness" to be the culprit of these choices. everyone at some point in their life has been misguided and confused by what they want...
distractions are pulling me away from this entry. im gonna continue this another day. peace be with u!
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Posted on January 03, 2007 @ 12:11 pm
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can you believe its already 2007? christmas and the new year came and went. to be honest, it didnt even feel like xmas or the new year to me. doesnt matter tho because im glad its a new year. 2006 was the year of the emotional beatdown for me except for the last two months fortunately. i went thru more stuff last year than in all the other years of my adolescence combined.
so its winter break from stony brook, which means i get to sit back and relax finally! im so glad that i get to go back to SB for another semester. i think if i dont get a 4.0 then im getting the boot haha. as for work, im gettin screwed royally because i wanted to work full-time hours but since theyre cutting crazy amounts of hours im only getting about 15 hours a week. fags.
as per katie, i took her to famous daves for xmas then to the Jones Beach light show thingy. ugh it was so lame compared to last year, altho it was fun to make fun of haha. i also got her a pirate build-a-bear which she LOVED!
yea so nothing much goin on for the beginning of this year, but i know itll get better.
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Posted on December 18, 2006 @ 3:27 am
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OMGizzle!
im on a ROLL this weekend!!! this is the best fuckin weekend ive had in almost a year! tonite.. or rather, this morning i went with katie to talk about her horrific first experience at an all-out party with her co-workers from Ace. turns out theyre amateurs when it comes to drinking. ok so gimme a chance to go off topic a sec... why is it that people have to urge to walk up to you and say "im sooo drunk right now!". its blatantly obvious that if you had the capacity to walk up to someone, think about how drunk you are, and evaluate how much of an effect the alcohol had on you, then you arent drunk yet!! to me, thats like taping a big sign to your own back saying the words "im an amateur drinker".
anyways, back on topic.. i went to see katie so i can calm her nerves. she didnt drink since she was the only designated driver, but the people that did drink were out of control. after this morning, i realized that my gf is smarter than the average person because she hangs out with some pretty naive people sometimes. im soo grateful that it doesnt rub off on her. she decided that she didnt wanna drink so that everyone else would have a ride back home afterwards.
so i was with katie from about 1230 to now.. which is 330. and im freakin ecstatic! i didnt expect for what happened to actually happen! ill just leave it at that. but what i will say is that time is unusually fast when im preoccupied. and i dont enjoy that.
ive gotta get out of this place!!! im tired, and my pillows are seducing me.
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Posted on December 17, 2006 @ 2:55 pm
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OH GAHD!
its as if god has answered my prayers as compensation for the drainage of energy from this past week!! where to start... well last night i went to the EAB Plaza with my lil katie and priscilla to see the tree. the tree was nice but apparently the place wasnt as extravagant as it used to be, all thanks to Mr. Reckson. all the set-ups inside the building from last year werent there anymore. its ok tho, because watching all the pint-sized children running around in the most ridiculous outfits EVER definitely made up for it! it wasnt the outfits that made me laugh the most. it was the way they giggled to themselves as they skipped/ran/hopped aimlessly haha.
after the treeness we went to see the movie Eragon. dont see that movie! ever! i cant believe i made the other two come with me haha. i definitely have to pay them back for that. anyways, after eragon me and katie hung out until 130 in the morning... after dropping priscilla off at 1130 lol. i swear i dont know what happens to time when we hang out. it seems to WHOOOSH by us without us ever noticing. overall tho, it was a pretty good nite.
for even better news, my job decided to let me back on register!! YAAAAY! i couldnt stand that self checkout machine any longer, and i was sooo close to just calling it quits and leaving that place. funny tho because the day after i told someone that i was gonna leave, they decided to let me back on the register. lets see what kinda trouble DJ Diddles/Buns is gonna get into next month haha.
alright im pathetic because im on my hour lunch break and im spending it by writing in my LJ! hope everyone has a super awesome christmas!
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Posted on December 15, 2006 @ 11:26 pm
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its another gross time. as im writing this, i have this feeling of exhaustion thats overwhelming my body. ive used up alot of my energy without giving myself a break but it was all used for something helpful, which is why im not so upset about my lack of energy.
this week has been one helluva week, i must say. classes for this semester are over! thats pretty much the best thing thats happened hah. anyways, tonite wasnt really one of my best nights. i think between trying to make things right in my house, trying to get my real job at work back, and trying to make my best friend feel better, ive gotta give myself a rest. i wish i could just kick back and enjoy life the way it is like some other people. but instead, i feel like ive gotta live with the mess another person made.
im just glad i got to go out tonite and enjoy the company of my faves.
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Posted on November 29, 2006 @ 12:22 am
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my livejournal entries are depressing. so instead of focusing on a topic thats classified as happy or sad, im just gonna write without any purpose, so try not to find any structure in this entry.
im going out with katie now. i asked her out 4 days ago. this relationship i have with her is the healthiest thing in my life right now. unfortunately, i only appreciate that when im around her. when im hanging out with her, im laughing and being the silly boy i was in high school. maybe its because she is one of the only things in my life recently that hasnt been tainted by... lets move on. i can be myself around her and tell her things that bother me and at the end of it, i feel great. maybe its just because i know i can tell her about anything and she can relate. in a way, we kinda went thru some of the same things. she knows how much pain a person can go thru and we agree that physical pain is nothing if youve lived thru some harsh times. as i was saying before, i like being around katie. but when she leaves, i feel everything around me again. the void thats always in my stomach, the mental block when i try to talk.. its like pieces of me are missing. unfortunately im making it sound like im attached to katie, but the truth is she's the only person i talk to like i did when i was in division. and in division, i was a whole person. granted i was quiet, but that wouldve changed eventually.
i dont know wat to do now. ive started a relationship with the person that reminds me of who i really am. and im so grateful that she understands how much i hate clinging. what do i do? im failing out of college slowly but surely, my parents worry about me because im being distant with them and christmas is coming up, and im hating one of my best friends now because im knee deep in lies that have been told and discovered.
speaking of best friends, i think it takes a lot of courage to try and make a change in something that needs to be dealt with. so much has happened since my first lj entry, which was written at the start of my "collapse". i feel shitty about everything between then and now and i wish i could hit a rewind button to change it all. at the same time, im pretty lucky to have learned everything that i did during that time. i cant help but sit here and wonder where and how i'll be a year from now.
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Posted on November 25, 2006 @ 12:14 am
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this semester is almost over. and with the end of the semester, ill find out whether or not im leaving stonybrook or staying. the truth is, if i leave stonybrook, im gonna do all i can to try and get back into potsdam. simply because the smallest bit of new information can change my whole perspective on everything.
i thought i had it down. for a while i was in my glory because i had a new point of view on everything. unfortunately, i dont have that control anymore and its all because of a slip of the tongue. for christ sake, all i want is to be able to control my thoughts and my emotions. i scream at myself in my head going "GOD DAMNIT ULYSSES, FUCKING GET A GRIP AND STOP BEING SUCH AN ASSHOLE!" but it doesnt work. am i serious about leaving it all behind? maybe. this could be venting, just like every other time was, but i think ive had my fair share of painful discoveries. all i can say for myself is that im a jerk. an asshole that has a hard time taking the next step forward. a pussy that just cant seem to let go of his grip. its a cowardly thing to do, and ill be hated for it if i go through with it.
but im doing something for me this time. for my own sanity.
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Posted on November 22, 2006 @ 11:17 pm
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it would be nice to go a full week or two without my stomach going haywire. its due to excessive stress.
i forgive everyone. no matter how much stress they cause on me. for the longest time, i thought that that's part of what made me a "good guy". it hurts alot tho and has its drawbacks, because i could walk away anytime and not have to deal with those problems ever again. why dont i just walk away from my problems? if my father hadnt fucked up his life by walking away from his problems, i wouldve walked away from mine already.
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Posted on November 22, 2006 @ 8:23 pm
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throughout the course of your life, you'll find yourself asking the same question over and over.
"why me?"
this question applies to everyone because at one point or another in your life, you'll feel like you are the center of the world and no one else is feeling like you do at the moment. at the same time, you wish you could give everyone a taste of what you're feeling. you live your life hoping that today is gonna be another easy day. hoping that the studying you went through for hours upon hours the week before a test paid off. hoping that you're gonna come home to warm welcomes and happy faces. hoping that every good deed you do is rewarded. hoping that for one whole day, you can keep a real smile on your face and be ready for whatever comes your way.
unfortunately, it doesnt always go as you hope. and you ask yourself why. luckily for me ive found my answer, but its not a desirable one. so much has happened to me over the course of the last few years. ive made stupid and smart decisions, some which i regret and others i dont, but the point is that every decision you make has consequences. some are blatantly obvious, and others are so invisible that you dont notice them until after theyve occurred.
its unsettling for me to think that my life is governed by the consequences of my decisions, whether they be about "what am i going to be when i grow up?", or "what shirt do i wear today?"... or even a simple yes/no question.
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Posted on November 12, 2006 @ 3:48 pm
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it all makes sense now. information really is a powerful tool. knowledge isnt power. its the understanding of what you know thats the true power. things fell into place in my head, and most of the knots in my stomach were untied. i love my fantastical brain for its ability to piece together fragments and see the big picture, even if some pieces are missing. i hate my brain at the same time because it knows things it should do, but doesnt have the capacity to do them
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| de-lovely |
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Posted on November 04, 2006 @ 11:50 pm
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my job is one big melting pot of drama. and some of it is pretty funny to watch. people getting fired over bathroom breaks.. workers cursing at the managers because they dont like them.. employees holding grudges against one another just because of how theyre doin their job.. its like a sitcom. only im part of the cast and the audience at the same time! and since we're talkin about my job, id like to say that im thoroughly amused at my own situation. a 29 year old woman that works in Home Depot admitted to me that she has a crush on me, and she happens to be one of the best looking women there. this makes me certain that there is no part of my life that could be described as "normal". still a big boost in my confidence tho heehee
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Posted on November 01, 2006 @ 5:55 pm
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im sittin in the sinc site with two of my friends now, and im amazed to find myself in the place that i am. not literally tho, since im in the sinc site all the time hehe. but things are finally starting to turn around. its the happiest ive felt in a long time. the weight pressing into my heart is subsiding, and i can breathe deep, whole breaths again. my two best friends... what would i do without them? we've spent a whole year in secrecy about one thing or another, and it was so uncomfortable. the lies, the deception, the lack of trust.. its starting to fade. we've finally decided to step up and to take action and im glad we did because now we're more determined than ever to make things right. i think it was a leap in the right direction, and i love my friends for trying. for showing me that theyre trying. for proving to me that theyre trying. all thats left right now is to let the good times roll.
thank you guys =)
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Posted on October 26, 2006 @ 10:27 pm
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i admit, i havent been the easiest person to be with for a while. i havent given anyone a chance to know why until tonite when i talked to my mom while drenched in my own tears. to all of you that have asked me if i was ok during the last week or two, im finally gonna tell you the truth. that i wasnt ok, and that im still not ok. obviously you knew this, but i shut myself off from you all.
about a year ago, i had lost a piece of my heart. i had been betrayed by my best friends. it was the worst time of my life. but i did what nobody else would. i forgave them. every single day. and there were days between then and now when i just couldnt. but i tried even though it was the toughest thing for me to do. even to this day, the pain is still there. i was hoping that my best friends would understand how much of a struggle it is for me to fight for them every day. i was hoping that they could see through the moping and the attitudes and see that i was trying to be a good person for them. to stick around even when i was the most uncomfortable. but i noticed that these best friends of mine are starting to lose sight of that. i dont want to abandon or shut out my friends from my life. i know its what i did and im sorry to all of you that this pertains to. i want to be your friend.. but if i really am your best friend, then all i ask is that you bear with me. im a hard person now, and im sorry that its such a strain on you. i havent quit on you guys just yet. so i beg you... dont quit on me.
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Posted on October 26, 2006 @ 2:19 am
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the battle still rages on. two sides fighting for control over the core. its been a fluxuating stalemate, with neither side ever gaining enough control to be absolute. i continually add fuel to the fire, making one side stronger than the other, but only temporarily. its tearing up the battlefield, so sooner or later the fighting must end. one side must prevail, but which will it be? the side where the grass looks greener? or the side that strives to be green where false hopes are dominant?
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Posted on October 21, 2006 @ 11:30 pm
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never before has my physical self taken the shape of my mental self until tonite. i pretty much felt like death and nothing was helping me to get out of it. i think i know exactly why. this constant build-up of negative energy, from all sorts of sources, likes to stay in my body. i like to let it out once in a while so that i can feel like a carefree person the next day. it used to work, but recently ive been having trouble with it. i dont necessarily have a system of getting all my negative energy out, but whatever i did used to work. its impossible for it to go away now. it seems like i cant get it out this time, and all its doing for me is making me feel sick. its the first time in many months that ive felt sick from just pure mentality. im sure its just that because it feels alot different than when i have a cold or something.
i realized i cant even cry anymore even if i tried, which is weird since i was really good at it in my youth. im afraid that the overload of stress in my life is getting to me in a way where im beginning to have a negative outlook on things without realizing it. i cant even laugh or smile at some stuff anymore. maybe its just one of my all-time lows. at least i hope so because this really sucks. nausea, headaches, cramps, shaking, and numbness dont belong in the same body at the same time.
between school, friends, family, and my job, i think i just want to find one thing thats pure in my life. something that hasnt been tainted. something i can smile about no matter what.. but that only exists in a dream world.
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